I need a new goal.

Originally written Oct 15, 2007 09:23pm (EST)

So we are now at 28 weeks, 1 day. I think this whole time my goal has been 28 weeks since the perinatologist kept stressing that most ruptured women go into labor by 28 weeks. So now that I'm here, I'm completely antsy! I just want to be done. I want to get started parenting my preemie and be done with this bedrest stuff. Of course, that's not what I really want. I want to carry Autumn as long as possible, which seems like we may only be halfway there as far as the bedrest part. I've been here 6 1/2 weeks and another 5 1/2 I'll be 34 weeks. So 34 weeks will be my long term goal in my head but my son's birthday (Halloween) is my next short term goal. If I can focus on that and staying in the hospital that long so we can have his cupcakes here and watch him open a couple presents, that will be good. I don't want to completely miss his birthday because stuff starts happening. I'm also really wanting to get things done in preparation for the birth. But of course, I can't do anything. I'm stuck here, in this room with crafts and reading and the things I look forward to are picking out my meals and going to bed at night so another day can be over.

On another note, things are going good I think. My perinatologist has been out of town since the middle of last week and I think I might see him tomorrow, and hopefully an ultrasound. I did have some pink leakage on Saturday evening and Sunday morning but the nurses and on-call Doctors don't think it's anything to be concerned about since I'm not having any contractions. I was worried for a bit but now the leakage is back to clear so I feel better.

I just want someone to tell me, you're going to go into labor at this time ..... or you're going to be on bedrest for 6 more weeks...... I just want some sort of definitive. The whole take it day by day attitude has left me, and I'm having a hard time getting it back.

I am so grateful to have gotten this far, I feel selfish for being frustrated with all this, I know this is the best thing for Autumn and many parents were not as lucky as we are to have gotten this far. It's just a lot harder lately than it has been.

Thanks to all who comment, it's really nice to hear your thoughts and feel your support. Keep praying for us, it's working better than I thought.